


Let Me In

by bedknees



Series: Rose-Colored Boy [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers for Episode: s05e01-04 Wanted, help these children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedknees/pseuds/bedknees
Summary: "Sometimes, he would stare. Just stare. Not at anything in particular. Just forward for a few moments, falling to silence. It was like he was looking at something that wasn’t there."Lars comes home a different person.





	Let Me In

Sometimes, he would stare. Just stare. Not at anything in particular. Just forward for a few moments, falling to silence. It was like he was looking at something that wasn’t there. The expression he made would be either blank or fearful.

_ “I’m telling you, I’m  _ fine _.” _

_ “Are you sure? ‘Cause just now you kinda looked like you were one of those teenagers staring Evil Bear in the face.” _

_ “Ughh, I was just spacing out.”  _ He seemed to consider his tone, softening it for his next choice of words. _ “I’m good, I promise.” _

Sadie decided to leave the matter alone. So he had a tendency to space out a bit every once in a while since his return? He was probably just getting used to everything. And it wasn’t _ that  _ bad. 

It was fine. He’d be fine.

Because overall, things were better. Different, but better.

It took longer than any of them would’ve liked, but after nearly half-a-year, Lars was home.

It had been a bit of a rocky first month, what with reacclimating to his old life and figuring out what was different and what was the same. It was filled with tearful reunions, endless questions, and an adequate adjustment period for everyone.

The reunion between Lars and Sadie was an endless stream of emotional apologies on both ends, ugly crying, and relieved laughing. It looked downright sappy to the outside observer, and they both knew it.

Neither cared.

_ “I’m gonna be a better friend,”  _ Lars had said through tears,  _ “I know it’s a lot to ask after all the crap I pulled, but if you give me a chance I’ll prove it.” _

Sadie sighed shakily. Friends, they’d be friends. That’s okay. That’s  _ fine _ .  _ “Okay, but only if you give me a fair chance, too.” _

Lars, for his part, came back considerably more mature. He was nicer, a lot more considerate, and seemed lighter in spirit. He was more open, not so walled off. Much less afraid of being himself and by proxy less embarrassed over sharing his interests. Granted, he was still  _ Lars _ . Still sarcastic, still anxious, still impulsive, and still (a little) surly. 

It was different now, though. The barbed wire he closed himself around before became an easily-hoppable fence. He was softer around the edges, and though those edges were still unquestionably rough, this Lars really was the best Lars.

They did more things together outside of work. Movie night was usually at Sadie’s place. Game night was almost always at Lars’. They baked together (though Lars did the majority), had actual meaningful conversations, and didn’t bicker nearly as much as they used to.

It was nice; really nice.

Out of all of it, she thought at least, the most striking part of this whole thing was that he was actually getting along with Steven really well. They were practically like brothers now, after all they’d been through. It was still weird seeing them bonding, especially compared to how they were before, but it made her happy. Really happy.

She liked seeing Lars happy.

The more Sadie thought about the entire thing, the more she realized that Lars was already getting better beforehand anyway. This was just the final push, so to speak. He started showing the kinder side of him, the one he went to great lengths to suppress but Sadie always knew was there, progressively more after he and Steven switched bodies.

She did wish, bitter as it was, that he didn’t have to suffer so much to get to this point.

Sadie would’ve been happy with Lars’ slow but steady progression into being more of himself and a better person, rather than the abrupt and traumatic near(actual)-death experience he had to endure.

She couldn’t exactly change the past, though.

The freezing though, the staring off into nothing every once in awhile for seconds at a time was still worrying. Lars was unquestionably better in attitude overall, but that thing he did was something new and something rather troubling.

Sadie didn’t ask questions about it. It was for him to decide to bring it up.

It also occurred to her that maybe, just maybe, she was just imagining things.

So she continued to leave it alone.

‘ _ Don’t help him unless he wants to be helped _ .’ 

. . .

It was after that initial first month that Sadie could no longer write off some of Lars’ actions as simply “spacing out”.

The first such instance was when they were in Lars’ kitchen. He was talking rather fondly about the Off Colors, this time the Rutile twins (they seemed to be his favorite), recounting their reactions to a two-headed snake that had slithered up to the barn. Sadie laughed at hearing of their enthralled response to the thing.

Lars made plans for them to visit very soon, somewhere between work and training. Sadie looked forward to it.

The short blonde drummed her fingers on the table where she was seated, observing Lars chop up some nuts for the baklava he was making. There was such a nice atmosphere, so content and serene. Their friendship was so much better now, so much healthier and honest and comfortable.

Maybe someday they could…

She shook her head, staving those feelings off by breaking the peaceful silence. “I did hear something interesting from that small gem, Padap--?”

“Just call her ‘Paddy’, it’s easier,” Lars said, half of his attention on his work.

Sadie found that absolutely adorable. “Okay, so  _ Paddy _ told me that Steven brought you some kind of club after a week or two. Did you really use that to smash those robots? Because she was really impressed and went on and on about how great you were. The whole group did!” Sadie blushed. “I guess all I’m saying is that I’m, gosh how do I put this without sounding super corny? I’m, well, proud of you.”

Lars glanced at her, smirking. “Geez Sadie, I think the effort to make yourself sound less corny hurt you more,” he chuckled. She blushed again, but smiled. “Buuuut, yeah those things couldn’t detect me so I did most of the smashing.” He sighed a little, looking thoughtful. “It was honestly the coolest stuff I’ve ever done.”

She offered him a warm smile when he looked her way. “I don’t think I could’ve done that. I’d be scared to death. You had to have been terrified.” Her eyes sparkled with empathy.

For whatever reason, that seemed to do something. Suddenly, very suddenly, his expression shifted and he looked away. He tensed up considerably at her words, quickly moving to grip the countertop in front of him with both hands. He inhaled sharply, saying nothing in response. Sadie eyed him with concern.

“Lars? Are you ok?” She stood up from where she sat.

It took him a second, but in response he gave a quick nod. He removed his pink hands from the counter, flexing them at his sides. “I’m good. I’m fine.” His tone was short, and it almost sounded like he was partially talking to himself.

“Are you sure?” Sadie pressed, worry clouding her eyes.

Lars gritted his teeth. “ _ Yes _ , I’m  _ sure _ .” He was obviously irritated, a sulk now planted firmly in his expression. The atmosphere in the kitchen quickly became very uncomfortable. 

Sadie deflated, and the look on her face made Lars immediately regret lashing out. “Sorry, but I’m fine. I gotta finish making this.”

It took a few minutes for the tenseness in the room to dissipate, but eventually it did. Not quite back to how calm it was before, but close. 

Despite the gnawing inclination to press the matter further, knowing that was definitely not normal, Sadie dropped it and they went back to talking about other things. 

‘ _ Don’t help him unless he wants to be helped _ .’ She had repeated those words in her head since the events of the Potluck.

After all, the last thing she wanted to do was cause him more hurt.

. . .

Between working and finding a nice balance of normalcy in all the newfound weirdness, Sadie was thankful that they could still fall back on chilling in her room and watching horror movies.

It had been a good week since the kitchen incident and Lars seemed totally fine now. None of that weird spacing out to speak of since then. Sadie was glad that she decided to drop the whole thing and let him sort through it on his own.

She had picked up a new flick from the video store rather recently. One of those “so bad it’s good” space horrors with terrible effects and worse acting. The best kind. Lars brought over oyster crackers--a time-honored tradition at that point--and a batch of snickerdoodles. Strange combination, but it seemed to work.

“Are we gonna get this started or are you just gonna keep staring at that creepy space whale?” Lars quipped, snapping Sadie out of her reverie. She hadn’t realized she’d been staring so intently at the movie case, her thoughts being elsewhere.

“Oh, wow, sorry,” she chuckled, cheeks reddening a little to match Lars’ hue. “Guess I get lost in thought sometimes.”

“Hey, same,” he said, snatching the case from her hands. “But you lost privileges. Gotta pick up your slack, per usual.” 

She smacked his arm playfully and he laughed, “You’re one to talk, Mr. Lazy!”

“Excuse me, I’m a  _ recovering _ slacker now.”

She shook her head, blonde curls bouncing a little. “Okay fine, you’ve got me there.”

Lars’ eyes lit up a little bit, “I’m really better?” Seeing his demeanor change was incredibly cute to her.

Sadie smiled, “I wouldn’t have said it otherwise, you dork.”

“Cool,” he said genuinely. Then, as if out of habit, he went back to sass. “That means I can take the day off and you can run the store, right? I mean, I’ve earned it.”

She made a small, dignified pout. “Not a chance.”

He threw a hand up dramatically, but in good humor. “Alright fine. Lemme just put this stupid movie in and we can get this over with.”

Sadie got the lights as the TV flickered to life, Lars taking the liberty of skipping the previews. They sat together on the edge of the bed, Lars slipping off his big sneakers and Sadie bringing her knees comfortably to her chest.

The opening scene played out and Lars already groaned, rolling his eyes at the first glimpse of the “terrifying” monster. Sadie giggled, the look of the thing so tacky and cheap it was nothing short of laughable. Lars’ audio commentary would make the experience twice worth it.

The movie proceeded and the pair exchanged banter regarding the thinly-veiled plot and awful effects. It was, despite the quality, an enjoyable experience full of appropriate laughs and cringes. Truly a “so bad it’s good” piece, a B-movie at it’s best.

Around three-quarters into the movie, the hero was on a spaceship. He was trying to save the objectified, flat damsel-in-distress that was being held captive by the alien monster. There were a few crappy laser gun effects as he shot at the beast, the sounds for the gun having a comically short delay.

“Why does that thing even want her??” Lars demanded, gesturing wildly. “Why not just eat her and be done with it? Is it trying to make alien babies or something? Ugh.”

Sadie laughed, “Maybe she’s so forgettable it doesn’t realize it still has her.”

Lars joined her in laughing at that, wiping a tear from his eye. “Man, I’d believe that, but her constant screaming should tip it off. I mean  _ criminy _ , she’s clipping her mic!”

Their laughter died down as the action picked up some more, the hero--who was so forgettable neither remembered his name--shot at the creature on a now alien planet that looked drably grayscale. Pillars of rocks surrounded them, some pieces not properly connected to the ground below. 

The hero uttered some generic remark about always saving the girl, before firing a point blank blast to the monster’s ‘chest’, making it fall backwards into one of the pillars. Sadie was laughing again, the accompanying and highly unnecessary explosion filling the screen, the audio clipping.

It was at that moment that she realized Lars wasn’t laughing with her.

When she looked over, his expression had shifted from humored to  _ absolutely terrified _ .

“Lars?” she tried, calmly but with a little urgency. Sadie was quick to pause the movie when he didn’t respond, his wide eyes still glued to straight ahead. “Lars? Hey.”

The question seemed to snap him out of whatever he was in, as his eyes focused again and he jumped a little. His breathing increased, well as much as it could she figured, and he placed a trembling pink hand over his mouth.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Sadie’s concerned voice questioned. “Lars?”

He stood up quickly, eyes haunted, not even putting on his shoes as he headed upstairs and out the door. Sadie scrambled up in panic after him, forgetting her shoes as well.

They were both outside her front door by the time she caught up with him, Sadie grabbing his arm to stop him. 

“Hey, talk to me! What’s going on?” Her voice was serious, but had a hint of softness.

Sadie soon realized that he was trembling and that his eyes were lined with tears. She squeezed his hand comfortingly, standing to face him. He averted her gaze, but she looked at him anyway. “Lars, I think we need to talk about this. I know that you’ve been dealing with this for a while.” She sighed, “I think I’ve earned your trust by now. So, if you’re okay with it I wanna talk.” Her hand didn’t let go of his; he didn’t pull away.

Her mind was screaming to take the sage advice she gave to herself and was doing relatively well at following. ‘ _ Don’t help him unless he wants to be helped. _ ’ She learned that much over the course of knowing him. Nothing positive would happen if he was just going to close himself off again. Well, if he didn’t have a response to this, Sadie would let him deal with it himself. She was done being his keeper. She would only help him if he let her.

But her swimming thoughts evaporated when he bit his lip, taking a deep breath. 

It took Lars a moment to find words.

“I was… I was back there, in that place. That stupid movie, it kinda looked like it. This is so  _ embarrassing. _ ” His voice was soft, but obviously shaken. “I said I didn’t, but I remember that thing exploding. It hurt so bad when I fell and I was feeling it  **again** .” He covered his mouth again, this time accompanied by tears. “Shit, shit,  _ shit _ .” 

Sadie looked at him, pained and horrified by his admittance. How long had he been dealing with this? “Is it okay if I hug you?”

He nodded through silent tears. When her arms wrapped around him, he melted, face buried in her scalp and his own arms clutched around her. He sniffled loudly, the sound muffled by the hair on her head. “God, I’m sorry I’m such a fucking mess.”

“No, it’s okay.” Sadie’s face was pressed to his chest, making out his steady but slow heartbeat. Her arms were wrapped around him, hands clutching the back of his shirt. The fact that Lars could trust her like this showed just how far he’d come, and through the pain she was currently experiencing, Sadie felt a small tinge of happiness just from that.

“I died, Sadie,” he said bitterly. “My parents are so freaked out and worried and, and this pink magic’s so  _ hard _ to get used to. ‘Cause now I’m just a freak and I hardly eat or sleep and I dunno if I can even  _ age  _ now. How are y--” he stopped, backpedaling, “how is  _ anyone _ gonna love me when I’m this… _ thing _ ?”

Sadie shrugged out of the embrace a bit, cupping his face in her hands and brushing her thumb under his right eye, over the lower edge of his scar. His scar; it was so prominent and long that it made Sadie‘s heart crumble at imagining how bad the injury originally had to have been, given that not even Steven’s powers couldn’t heal it all the way.

Before she broke down, Sadie shoved that thought away.

She felt tears sting her own eyes, small trails dribbling down her cheeks. “You’re  _ not _ a freak, Lars. And your parents love you; that’s why they’re worried! Being a different hue isn’t gonna change that. And, so what if things are different? That’s okay! Nothing’s going to change how much I love you.”

Lars’ eyes widened, tears subsiding for a moment. Sadie gasped, shaking her head and trying as she might to retract her statement. “U-um I thought that’s what you were getting at… what you were gonna say. Before. I mean, I…”

“No, wait. You love me, even though I’m... this?” He went back to tears, bowing his head. “I don’t deserve it.”

It all made sense now. 

_ That’s _ why he wanted to just be friends.

She remained strong, one hand moving up to caress his cheek and wipe away the tears there. “Nothing’s going to change how I feel. Nothing ever did.” She sniffled a bit, cheeks burning at her admission. She had to do it, though. It was now or never.

Lars looked at her dead on, straight into her doe brown eyes reddened from crying. Her button nose. Her rosy cheeks. Her soft lines. She was so nice, and brave, and supportive, and perfect, and so much better than he could ever be and--

He was done with being scared.

He held out long enough.

Sadie squeaked a little when Lars pulled her closer, her lips meeting his. He continued to cry, wrapping her in his arms tighter when she reciprocated the kiss. It was like they were back on that island, the memories distant and very bittersweet, but this was way better. This felt more real, more genuine. Not some moment of passion, but rather a perfect payoff from years of words unspoken, of mixed messages, of fear of making the first move. 

Of two screwed up kids who finally,  _ finally _ learned how to properly be together.

Her breath was shaky when they finally separated. Lars looked at her with such loving intensity it made Sadie never want to let go, never lose the feeling. 

“I love you, too,” he finally said, emotional and perhaps just a little needy. Justifiably so, but there it was. He moved to brush a strand of hair behind her ear, admiring her pretty face and sparkling eyes before she pulled him into another kiss.

It was an hour later when they finally went back downstairs, movie forgotten while Lars opened up about the darker parts of his time on Homeworld--the ones he neglected to mention. It was a lot of near-death experiences, getting hurt, and an endless march to stay alive. The fact that he felt everything before dying and sometimes felt phantom pains over the scars on his eye and chest. They cried it out, hugged it out, kissed it out, and by the time Lars was done talking everything felt better. Like the air was cleared, and it was. 

Not that their talk was a permanent fix, of course. Solving all of Lars’ problems with one talk was wishful thinking and Sadie knew that. The power of love was a fairytale, but thankfully the power of compassion and understanding was very real and something she was happy to use.

Healing from this would take time and patience, and Sadie was more than willing to help him. If he let her.

And after all this time, he finally let her in.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me over on tumblr under the same name.


End file.
